About 4 years ago, my wife and I
decided to start a family. It felt like a big decision at the time,
even though that initial conversation was over almost as soon as it
started. We went through the usual waiting, going through pregnancy
tests every month thinking “maybe this is the day!” The first
few months were disappointing, but it didn't take long before they
felt devastating.
As you might expect, my wife took the
disappointment a little harder than I did at first. She probably
still does. And I, with my overly optimistic and always hopeful
attitude, tried to always spin the situation toward the positive.
This went on, until my wife started to use the word Infertility. I
still remember how this threw me for a loop. I kept telling her (and
myself) that we just need to wait a little bit longer. Anytime we
tested, I still thought “maybe this is the day!”
After a year or more, we started
seriously discussing the possibility of infertility. Katie started
scheduling tests with her doctor, and we hoped for the best. As the
test results came, each one arrived with the bittersweet realization
that we still didn't know why we weren't pregnant yet. Next, it was
my turn. It didn't take long before we had a little bit of our
answer: something was wrong.
After verifying the results and
narrowing down the diagnosis, we scheduled a procedure. I needed a
minor surgery that had about a 2/3 chance of fixing our fertility
problems. The surgery went through without a hitch, but there was
still that 1/3 chance that it wouldn't change things. With each of
the 3 month, 6 month, and 9 month follow-up tests, we hoped for the
best, but we didn't get the results we wanted.
The next step (in the medical route)
would be IVF-ICSI, a procedure that would directly fertilize a few
eggs, and use medications to try to come out with the best possible
circumstances to result in a pregnancy. It was expensive, and there
were no guarantees. In the best case scenario, we would pay $15-20k
for a single attempt that would hopefully result in a healthy
pregnancy. Worst case, we would try this a several times without ever reaching the
result we were looking for.
This discussion became very real before
my final (9 months post-surgery) follow-up with the fertility doctor.
What we thought we wanted more than anything was to have a baby
resulting from a healthy pregnancy, but we knew the potential
consequences involved if we were to put ourselves through the
emotional battleground of IVF.
Until then, I had resisted the other
methods of starting a family. Partly, I was still hopeful that we
could get pregnant on our own someday, without having to deal with
IVF or anything besides the “natural” route. But I think I was
also influenced by the stigma that goes along with raising a child
that doesn't carry your genes. I want to assign some fault to the
adoption practices of the 1960's through 1980's, but when it comes
down to it, I just felt like I would be raising someone else's baby.
In anticipation of my final follow-up
testing, we had the “what if” discussion. When it came down to
brass tacks, we were sitting in the car half way through the 5 hour
drive to my parents' house for Thanksgiving last year. We asked the
question, and we prayed. Suddenly, the word “adoption” didn't
seem so foreign. Suddenly the idea of standing in the gap for a child as their parent felt … well, it felt
right! To both of us.
3 months later, we had finished
researching local adoption agencies and chose our favorite,
determining that we would need to save $22,000 to afford the agency
and legal fees associated with our planned adoption. 1 month after
this, I was offered a closer to home, higher paying job so that we
could start our Adoption Savings Account. Another 3 months later, my
wife was promoted at her part time job, doubling her pay. Another 4
months, and my company bumped the minimum salary for my job, giving
us even more money to put into the adoption account. And as the
Christmas holidays have come and gone, we have been gifted over
$4,500 from friends and family ($1,100 given anonymously), all
deposited into the adoption account. We've received 4 different baby
gifts this Christmas, showing us just how much support we have from
our families in this journey. We've even been able to watch my
cousin take care of her 6-week old adopted boy, while we imagine
coming home with our baby next Christmas.
Today, we have submitted our
application to the agency. I would say that all we have left to do
is pray, but I think we'll probably spend the next 5 months
scheduling meetings and home study appointments, putting together a
nursery, coordinating pre-adoption baby showers, and putting the
final touches to the savings account before fees are due. And every
day, we'll be hoping and praying for the pregnant girl who is hoping
and praying for us to come along.
Always moving forward,
Tyler
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