The Big Decisions

I haven't decided how much I want to direct these posts to my adoption journey yet, but there's no denying it's a huge part of my life.  Besides, there aren't a lot of male perspectives out there about infertility or adoption.  I hope my readers don't mind my occasional push of adoption related info.

Last weekend, I spent a lot of time filling out our Home Study Questionnaire.  This is basically several pages of questions that help you bring out your family experiences, family expectations, household changes, and any other issues that will psychologically affect your bringing an adopted baby into your home.  Since we already had the demographic information out of the way from the application, this one cuts straight into what makes you tick.

When we met with the agency last February, someone asked how long the paperwork usually takes to fill out, specifically the HSQ as it is the most intensive.  The answer was "I can't really put a time on it, but I've never known someone to fill it out all in one sitting."  Yikes!  This document starts as a 7 page list of questions without spaces left for answers.  There's a sentence at the very top of the first page explaining that "one or two word answers are not acceptable."  I haven't even read the specific questions I'll have to answer, but already it doesn't look easy.

Now that we're to that point in our application, I woke up Saturday thinking about it.  It was just me and the dogs awake in the house, so I pulled up a fresh copy and started typing.  First section: Motivation.  Who initiated discussions about adoption?  Why do you want to adopt?  How long have you been considering adoption?  So far so good.  Pretty easy questions to answer.

Second section: Feelings about yourself, your parents, and your childhood.  My first thought "yeah, I had good parents and a good childhood!"  Then I read the questions.  Tell me about your mother/father (personality, faith, relationships, etc.).  How did they support you as a child?  How did they nurture you as a child?  What would you change about your childhood?  How did they handle sex ed?

Holy cow, people, back up a couple of steps!  Here I am on a leisurely Saturday morning, sitting in my favorite chair, trying to achieve some sort of relaxed state while trying to decide "how I want my children to view sex?"

Somewhere down the line I remembered why I was answering these questions.  It's not just to appease the agency, or to go through the motions.  I'm answering these questions because they are important.  I remembered that we're talking about a child that is going to be born into a family who hasn't thought about these questions, who would raise a child that many would consider "deprived."  And that child is going to be placed in a home like mine.

Through this, I realized another difference in biological families vs. adoptive families.  Biological families can be started for a million different reasons, at a million different times, into a million different circumstances.  There are so many great parents in the world, but sometimes families are started too soon by accident.  Sometimes people think they're ready today, but maybe their circumstances change, or maybe they just haven't fully understood the responsibility involved.  And once the ball gets rolling, you know you have less than 9 months to get your life in order.

With adoption, the child is given yet another gift: that their parents spent years preparing for them.  Their parents spent countless hours thinking about the hard questions and the big decisions to come up with the best possible answers.  Their parents even spent years putting huge amounts of savings aside, not just so that they could afford the agency fees, but also so that they can get their income to what it needs to be and practice their hand at tight budgeting.  Their parents gave every ounce of hope toward that baby, so that when it arrives, it's the most exciting thing on the planet to them.

I don't know if this was by design or by accident, but I think the adoptive community got this one right.  Remind me to thank them for making me think about the big decisions.

Always moving forward,

Tyler

My Pre-Adoption Journey

About 4 years ago, my wife and I decided to start a family. It felt like a big decision at the time, even though that initial conversation was over almost as soon as it started. We went through the usual waiting, going through pregnancy tests every month thinking “maybe this is the day!” The first few months were disappointing, but it didn't take long before they felt devastating.

As you might expect, my wife took the disappointment a little harder than I did at first. She probably still does. And I, with my overly optimistic and always hopeful attitude, tried to always spin the situation toward the positive. This went on, until my wife started to use the word Infertility. I still remember how this threw me for a loop. I kept telling her (and myself) that we just need to wait a little bit longer. Anytime we tested, I still thought “maybe this is the day!”

After a year or more, we started seriously discussing the possibility of infertility. Katie started scheduling tests with her doctor, and we hoped for the best. As the test results came, each one arrived with the bittersweet realization that we still didn't know why we weren't pregnant yet. Next, it was my turn. It didn't take long before we had a little bit of our answer: something was wrong.

After verifying the results and narrowing down the diagnosis, we scheduled a procedure. I needed a minor surgery that had about a 2/3 chance of fixing our fertility problems. The surgery went through without a hitch, but there was still that 1/3 chance that it wouldn't change things. With each of the 3 month, 6 month, and 9 month follow-up tests, we hoped for the best, but we didn't get the results we wanted.

The next step (in the medical route) would be IVF-ICSI, a procedure that would directly fertilize a few eggs, and use medications to try to come out with the best possible circumstances to result in a pregnancy. It was expensive, and there were no guarantees. In the best case scenario, we would pay $15-20k for a single attempt that would hopefully result in a healthy pregnancy. Worst case, we would try this a several times without ever reaching the result we were looking for.

This discussion became very real before my final (9 months post-surgery) follow-up with the fertility doctor. What we thought we wanted more than anything was to have a baby resulting from a healthy pregnancy, but we knew the potential consequences involved if we were to put ourselves through the emotional battleground of IVF.

Until then, I had resisted the other methods of starting a family. Partly, I was still hopeful that we could get pregnant on our own someday, without having to deal with IVF or anything besides the “natural” route. But I think I was also influenced by the stigma that goes along with raising a child that doesn't carry your genes. I want to assign some fault to the adoption practices of the 1960's through 1980's, but when it comes down to it, I just felt like I would be raising someone else's baby.

In anticipation of my final follow-up testing, we had the “what if” discussion. When it came down to brass tacks, we were sitting in the car half way through the 5 hour drive to my parents' house for Thanksgiving last year. We asked the question, and we prayed. Suddenly, the word “adoption” didn't seem so foreign. Suddenly the idea of standing in the gap for a child as their parent felt … well, it felt right! To both of us.

3 months later, we had finished researching local adoption agencies and chose our favorite, determining that we would need to save $22,000 to afford the agency and legal fees associated with our planned adoption. 1 month after this, I was offered a closer to home, higher paying job so that we could start our Adoption Savings Account. Another 3 months later, my wife was promoted at her part time job, doubling her pay. Another 4 months, and my company bumped the minimum salary for my job, giving us even more money to put into the adoption account. And as the Christmas holidays have come and gone, we have been gifted over $4,500 from friends and family ($1,100 given anonymously), all deposited into the adoption account. We've received 4 different baby gifts this Christmas, showing us just how much support we have from our families in this journey. We've even been able to watch my cousin take care of her 6-week old adopted boy, while we imagine coming home with our baby next Christmas.

Today, we have submitted our application to the agency. I would say that all we have left to do is pray, but I think we'll probably spend the next 5 months scheduling meetings and home study appointments, putting together a nursery, coordinating pre-adoption baby showers, and putting the final touches to the savings account before fees are due. And every day, we'll be hoping and praying for the pregnant girl who is hoping and praying for us to come along.

Always moving forward,

Tyler