My Lack of Productivity

Early in my Journal, I wrote often about our adoption process.  When I made my first post, we were a week away from submitting our application, and we're just now getting our seminar scheduled before we move on to our home study, so it's been on my mind often.  We're in a little bit of a waiting phase, but something else has brought my attention strongly back to the subject.

While discussing Prop 8 and DOMA with friends, one of the age-old arguments against homosexuality was brought up.  It centers around the idea of an "unproductive" relationship, one that doesn't procreate.  Of course, the argument states that the reason for romantic relationships is procreation through sex, and a homosexual relationship has no chance of reaching this goal.  There are plenty of rebuttals to this argument, some involving an "overpopulated" planet, or at least one where humans aren't struggling to survive as a species anymore.  Others boil the issue down to biological processes, that while those processes evolved to meet the needs of a growing species, "survival of the fittest" is no longer a significant factor in human survival.

Either side may be logically correct here, but it's something else entirely that cuts to my core.  If a homosexual marriage is wrong just because they procreate, then how can my marriage be right?

I've told the story before, but in short, I have a fertility issue.  My wife would probably tell you that "we" have a fertility issue, but according to the medical tests it's all on me.  Something went wrong to the point where I have little-to-no chance of becoming a biological father.  Sure, we could spend tens of thousands of dollars to let the doctor try to help, but even that would put us against tough odds.  When it comes down to it, I am the causing factor of an "unproductive" marriage.

In the older days (even currently, to an extent), there was an assumption that women were the cause of all fertility issues.  It's unfortunate and unfair.  In the early days of the bible, stories were told about the Father of Nations sleeping with his wife's maid (on his wife's suggestion), because he hadn't conceived a child with his wife.  Even Hebrew kings often had multiple wives, and the ones who didn't bear children were usually disgraced.  The more medicine has explored the world of infertility, the more we've understood that the issue isn't gender specific at all!  In fact, the current estimates indicate that about 1/3 of infertility is caused by the male, 1/3 by the female, and 1/3 by a joint issue.

In my infertility journey, I've come to empathize with the women who have taken the short end of this stick over the ages.  First of all, I don't agree with placing blame on people for their medical issues, but more importantly, I hate that women have taken near 100% of the "blame" when only 1/3 of the time it was actually their "fault!"  I'm amazed at the character of women, who sat quietly submissive, showing themselves as the bigger person over and over again while the world put them down.  It adds a new level of respect for the gender as a whole.

Now, I see my struggle with infertility projected on the gay community.  People proclaiming that because they can't have a biological child with the love of their life, their relationship is unimportant.  Irrelevant.  Wrong.

During our pursuits of adoption, we've taken interest in the adoption stories of others.  Some of these involve same-sex adoptive parents.  We've learned that our adoption agency, and many other faith based agencies, do not accept same-sex couples into their program.  Maybe they see this issue similar to adopting out to active alcoholics or drug users, or maybe something like adopting out to a couple in which one spouse is always in and out of prison.  They view any of these as a lifestyle of sin, and they decide it isn't a healthy place to raise a child.  But there's a problem with this perspective.

These other issues keep a parent from spending quality time with their child, or even put the child in harm's way.  Abusive alcoholics may cause harm to their child.  Drug addicts can lose their sobriety and become neglectful.  An imprisoned parent won't have time to spend with their child.  But being gay doesn't reduce the effectiveness of a parent, does it?

For the sake of argument, let's just assume that it is a sin (see previous posts for my opinion on this subject).  Any parent is imperfect.  I know I have my flaws, and I shudder to think that my flaws will somehow rub off on my children.  But I know they will, because that's part of parenting.  I can try to be perfect every day, but my bad habits, my screw ups, and my bad days will be noticed by my kids, and they will cause my children some amount of pain.  Unfortunately, this is true for every parent in the world.

So how do you choose who is good enough?  Do you draw a line in the sand and exclude anyone who crosses it?  Or do you write in the sand as Jesus did, standing up for people like me, screw ups and all?

From my experiences, I believe that any couple who is willing to spend the time, money, and emotional energy to pursue adoption will be an amazing parent regardless of their flaws.  We will remember the sacrifices we made to become a parent.  We will remember the months, even years, of waiting for all the puzzle pieces to fall into place.  We will remember the nights we cried, because that child was not yet in our arms.  And more days than not, we will channel those memories into the well being of our children.

Yet the line in the sand causes so many same-sex couples pursue adoption with a lawyer instead of an agency.  It's harder, the wait is longer, and the finances are much riskier, but it's the only way to reach their dreams.  We push these people aside, making them fend for themselves as they pursue their dreams.  And we do it all because of who they love.

As the causing member of an "unproductive" marriage, this hurts me.  And I hope it changes soon.

Always moving forward,

Tyler

The Big Decisions

I haven't decided how much I want to direct these posts to my adoption journey yet, but there's no denying it's a huge part of my life.  Besides, there aren't a lot of male perspectives out there about infertility or adoption.  I hope my readers don't mind my occasional push of adoption related info.

Last weekend, I spent a lot of time filling out our Home Study Questionnaire.  This is basically several pages of questions that help you bring out your family experiences, family expectations, household changes, and any other issues that will psychologically affect your bringing an adopted baby into your home.  Since we already had the demographic information out of the way from the application, this one cuts straight into what makes you tick.

When we met with the agency last February, someone asked how long the paperwork usually takes to fill out, specifically the HSQ as it is the most intensive.  The answer was "I can't really put a time on it, but I've never known someone to fill it out all in one sitting."  Yikes!  This document starts as a 7 page list of questions without spaces left for answers.  There's a sentence at the very top of the first page explaining that "one or two word answers are not acceptable."  I haven't even read the specific questions I'll have to answer, but already it doesn't look easy.

Now that we're to that point in our application, I woke up Saturday thinking about it.  It was just me and the dogs awake in the house, so I pulled up a fresh copy and started typing.  First section: Motivation.  Who initiated discussions about adoption?  Why do you want to adopt?  How long have you been considering adoption?  So far so good.  Pretty easy questions to answer.

Second section: Feelings about yourself, your parents, and your childhood.  My first thought "yeah, I had good parents and a good childhood!"  Then I read the questions.  Tell me about your mother/father (personality, faith, relationships, etc.).  How did they support you as a child?  How did they nurture you as a child?  What would you change about your childhood?  How did they handle sex ed?

Holy cow, people, back up a couple of steps!  Here I am on a leisurely Saturday morning, sitting in my favorite chair, trying to achieve some sort of relaxed state while trying to decide "how I want my children to view sex?"

Somewhere down the line I remembered why I was answering these questions.  It's not just to appease the agency, or to go through the motions.  I'm answering these questions because they are important.  I remembered that we're talking about a child that is going to be born into a family who hasn't thought about these questions, who would raise a child that many would consider "deprived."  And that child is going to be placed in a home like mine.

Through this, I realized another difference in biological families vs. adoptive families.  Biological families can be started for a million different reasons, at a million different times, into a million different circumstances.  There are so many great parents in the world, but sometimes families are started too soon by accident.  Sometimes people think they're ready today, but maybe their circumstances change, or maybe they just haven't fully understood the responsibility involved.  And once the ball gets rolling, you know you have less than 9 months to get your life in order.

With adoption, the child is given yet another gift: that their parents spent years preparing for them.  Their parents spent countless hours thinking about the hard questions and the big decisions to come up with the best possible answers.  Their parents even spent years putting huge amounts of savings aside, not just so that they could afford the agency fees, but also so that they can get their income to what it needs to be and practice their hand at tight budgeting.  Their parents gave every ounce of hope toward that baby, so that when it arrives, it's the most exciting thing on the planet to them.

I don't know if this was by design or by accident, but I think the adoptive community got this one right.  Remind me to thank them for making me think about the big decisions.

Always moving forward,

Tyler

My Pre-Adoption Journey

About 4 years ago, my wife and I decided to start a family. It felt like a big decision at the time, even though that initial conversation was over almost as soon as it started. We went through the usual waiting, going through pregnancy tests every month thinking “maybe this is the day!” The first few months were disappointing, but it didn't take long before they felt devastating.

As you might expect, my wife took the disappointment a little harder than I did at first. She probably still does. And I, with my overly optimistic and always hopeful attitude, tried to always spin the situation toward the positive. This went on, until my wife started to use the word Infertility. I still remember how this threw me for a loop. I kept telling her (and myself) that we just need to wait a little bit longer. Anytime we tested, I still thought “maybe this is the day!”

After a year or more, we started seriously discussing the possibility of infertility. Katie started scheduling tests with her doctor, and we hoped for the best. As the test results came, each one arrived with the bittersweet realization that we still didn't know why we weren't pregnant yet. Next, it was my turn. It didn't take long before we had a little bit of our answer: something was wrong.

After verifying the results and narrowing down the diagnosis, we scheduled a procedure. I needed a minor surgery that had about a 2/3 chance of fixing our fertility problems. The surgery went through without a hitch, but there was still that 1/3 chance that it wouldn't change things. With each of the 3 month, 6 month, and 9 month follow-up tests, we hoped for the best, but we didn't get the results we wanted.

The next step (in the medical route) would be IVF-ICSI, a procedure that would directly fertilize a few eggs, and use medications to try to come out with the best possible circumstances to result in a pregnancy. It was expensive, and there were no guarantees. In the best case scenario, we would pay $15-20k for a single attempt that would hopefully result in a healthy pregnancy. Worst case, we would try this a several times without ever reaching the result we were looking for.

This discussion became very real before my final (9 months post-surgery) follow-up with the fertility doctor. What we thought we wanted more than anything was to have a baby resulting from a healthy pregnancy, but we knew the potential consequences involved if we were to put ourselves through the emotional battleground of IVF.

Until then, I had resisted the other methods of starting a family. Partly, I was still hopeful that we could get pregnant on our own someday, without having to deal with IVF or anything besides the “natural” route. But I think I was also influenced by the stigma that goes along with raising a child that doesn't carry your genes. I want to assign some fault to the adoption practices of the 1960's through 1980's, but when it comes down to it, I just felt like I would be raising someone else's baby.

In anticipation of my final follow-up testing, we had the “what if” discussion. When it came down to brass tacks, we were sitting in the car half way through the 5 hour drive to my parents' house for Thanksgiving last year. We asked the question, and we prayed. Suddenly, the word “adoption” didn't seem so foreign. Suddenly the idea of standing in the gap for a child as their parent felt … well, it felt right! To both of us.

3 months later, we had finished researching local adoption agencies and chose our favorite, determining that we would need to save $22,000 to afford the agency and legal fees associated with our planned adoption. 1 month after this, I was offered a closer to home, higher paying job so that we could start our Adoption Savings Account. Another 3 months later, my wife was promoted at her part time job, doubling her pay. Another 4 months, and my company bumped the minimum salary for my job, giving us even more money to put into the adoption account. And as the Christmas holidays have come and gone, we have been gifted over $4,500 from friends and family ($1,100 given anonymously), all deposited into the adoption account. We've received 4 different baby gifts this Christmas, showing us just how much support we have from our families in this journey. We've even been able to watch my cousin take care of her 6-week old adopted boy, while we imagine coming home with our baby next Christmas.

Today, we have submitted our application to the agency. I would say that all we have left to do is pray, but I think we'll probably spend the next 5 months scheduling meetings and home study appointments, putting together a nursery, coordinating pre-adoption baby showers, and putting the final touches to the savings account before fees are due. And every day, we'll be hoping and praying for the pregnant girl who is hoping and praying for us to come along.

Always moving forward,

Tyler